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I'll be like "I don't care" then...

I used to wonder on how being an adult is actually like. 

At first, I thought being an adult is when you're finally getting to know of yourself, staying true to yourself. 

At first, I thought being an adult is when you will know what you're doing and being confident of what you're choosing to do, being proud of what you're standing for and being happy with places you are deciding to be.

At some points, I thought I have become an adult. I've been living my life humbly, you know, I never claim whatever is not mine, never depend on anyone, standing on my own ground, battling this adulthood world on my own. My life is a series of decision I took which I (so far) never really regret of (?).

Somehow, lately, I feel I've become so chicken hearted, changeable, unsteady.

I'll be like "I don't care" then almost kill myself.

I'll be like "yeah I'm good" then "can we change the topic before I cry?"

I'll be like "fuck it we ball" then lay awake writing 4 pages essay on my head about why I'm upset.

But then I start to get tired of pretending that shit don't get to me. At least not in front of my own self. It just doesn't look cool anymore. It's beginning to look pathetic now.

But again... aren't most of adults just like me?

Or did I fail to understand this whole thing from the get-go?

Yeah it's either I'm not one, or we all just actually are.

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